When we do not direct our small moments of backchat, the thoughts we have (often about other people) that generate energy within us, that energy builds up over time. As the energy builds, so do the thoughts become more nasty and extreme. Someone who was mildly irritating before eventually becomes enemy number one to you and the entire human race. Your perception becomes clouded by the energy and thoughts. There are no longer quiet moments of investigation, there are only fiery moments of hateful and spiteful thoughts. You can't see straight. Your entire body vibrates with the anger and hate you feel. Every thought you have and thing you see simply becomes further evidence proving how you are right and they are wrong or bad. You don't even know why you feel this way. When someone asks you why you don't like that person, all you can come up with are vague and sometimes irrational reasons. At this stage the reasons don't matter anyway - you hate them completely - that's all that matters.
This is a rather extreme example. We often face this experience, though rarely with such extremity. The funny thing is that very often all of this - all of it - is based on judgements. We allow a few nasty thoughts to creep in - sometimes they're not nasty at all, but they are based on our perception - so we start judging and don't investigate what's going on. We so rarely take the time or make the effort to communicate with someone after we have those little thoughts creeping in. We brush the thoughts aside - which is just the opening our minds need to take those small thoughts and turn them into a conglomeration of spite and hate. Our interactions with the person(s) central to this experience become brusque, short, uncomfortable, aggressive. We no longer want to support this person(s), we instead start pointing out how they are doing everything wrong - though we never offer and support or solutions.
The solution is twofold:
- The energy that has built up within you needs to be cleared - the moment you allow yourself to participate in the thoughts that generate this energy is the moment that you are allowing yourself to become poisonous - to yourself and others. The moment you see any of the thoughts related to this experience moving within you, stop immediately. You will probably have to do this many times! It will not simply go away after stopping the thoughts once. The thoughts are often all about "them" and "they" ("God, this is all their fault, they are so stupid!"), they are often problem oriented rather than solution oriented ("They are still doing that, they are never going to learn, idiot"), they are often centered around making the person(s) "wrong" ("They are doing it all wrong, they should be doing it this way. I would do it so much better"). If you are reacting to someone it is not indicating that there is a problem with them, it is ALWAYS indicating that there is a problem within YOU. I mean it - ALWAYS! YOU are responsible for your reactions - no one can make you feel anything. The moment you blame another for your experience is the moment you abdicate your self responsibility.
- Talk to the person(s)! Stop making assumptions! You don't know what's going on in all of the dimensions involved. There is probably a whole lot you are not seeing or considering. Even if the person(s) is making / has made a mistake, judging them for it is not going to support them - it's far more likely to do a great deal of damage. Change your focus to support: "How can I help you?"; "I can see you've been struggling with doing this, what exactly are you having difficulty with? Maybe I can give you a hand.".